Transcript & Reflection
All right — back to Dublin again, or back to Ireland, that is, to be with my children and my fiancée. The dilemma I'm in here is that if she won't stay with me, won't marry me — if I have to come and go — then what she wants is for me to be on the birth certificate. But what she doesn't want is a statutory declaration where I get joint custody, 50/50.
The problem with that is she gets all the rights, I get none. Being on the birth certificate doesn't grant me custodial or guardianship rights — it just makes me liable for the baby, period. I get nothing else out of this other than being liable. It does help me immigrate, but it's a much longer process than marriage. She originally agreed to marry me — now, not so much. So I'm going to do this through the birth certificate.
I said, if I'm going to be legally obligated to the baby, I should at least get some rights out of it. If I don't, she makes all the decisions. She gets all the control. I don't get to be with my baby; I have to be remote — an absentee father — if she won't keep me there.
My goal was: if I'm obligated to the baby, I should be able to get visitations with the baby here in the US. I shouldn't have to go to Ireland, where I only have a 90‑day visa, and even that is limiting and expensive. I should be able to see the baby just like I see my other kids.
I have four kids that I have 50/50 custody of from my ex‑wife. When I was in Hawaii and she was here in Oregon, I'd have the kids in Hawaii and she would have them in Oregon — separately, six months at a time. That's what I proposed. She didn't like that and then told me she'd stop talking to me and that I wouldn't be able to see my baby.
So I'm going back over, doing my best to be a part of her life, and to be a part of the other kids' lives. There are five lives involved here. They all call me dad — the three youngest for sure — and the two oldest have in the past called me Dad. I can't give up. It's hard to think I might have to leave and not have joint custody. It just doesn't seem fair.
We talk about rights. If a woman wants to abort the baby, the man has no say. If a woman wants to adopt out the baby, the man has no say. If a woman wants to keep the baby from the man, the man has no say. But the man has to pay — maintenance, attention — yet gets no say. I think it's unfair.
I hope it works out this time. I'm doing my best. I'm stepping up to the plate. This will be my third flight to Ireland this year. It's cost me around $66,000 in airfare — a rough one. There are other factors involved — mental illness and things we have to deal with — but I'm dealing with it. I'm here for my kids from my previous marriage, spending time with them, and now I'm going back to Ireland doing my best.
